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Chastity: Improving the Practice, Part 2

I have been thinking about this great little idea that I read in the book “Real Sex.” Lauren Winner reflects on learning how to play the cello. She says she “understands sin formation by way of the cello.” When she began taking cello lessons she used an improper technique to hold the bow. I guess her pinky finger was holding the bow wrong. It doesn’t seem like a big deal to me, but then again I’m not a cellist. Anyway, she used this improper bow hold for 5 years and when she was finally coached to correct it, the right hold felt wrong. It took 3 years to place that pinky correctly to the bow.

I think this illustration is so profound. If practice makes perfect, improper practice makes us imperfect. What we practice as believers shapes the kind of Christians we become.

Take my prayer life for example. Sometimes I don’t feel much like praying. But I know it is important for my faith. When I don’t feel like praying, sometimes I just go to my room and stubbornly get down on my knees. I let my body start the prayer and stay on my knees until my spirit catches up. I find that if I position my body for prayer I always end up praying. This is an example of spiritual discipline. It is choosing to shape the kind of Christian I am going to be by my stubborn practices.

The reverse is also true. When I was engaged to my wife, I didn’t always feel like practicing chastity. It didn’t seem as big of a deal; now that we were engaged, it had just become a matter of timing. We never had sex, but she was so exciting to me and the idea of being married was so exciting that I often pushed our pre-established limits. My poor practice of chastity shaped our relationship. My sin taught her to be physically resistant and me to be pushy about sex. Like a poor cello hold, it took time to correct.

I guess the point is this. The way you practice chastity in singleness is directly related to the way you will practice fidelity and sexuality in marriage. The wedding is not a finish line for chastity. It is more like the marker in a triathlon, when you switch from running to cycling; the race of life is still on.

Winner’s book includes a few more examples about sin formation: pornography teaches you that real bodies aren’t good enough, masturbation teaches that sex can happen outside of a relationship, and premarital sex teaches you that sex must be thrilling. These lessons sin teaches us are like those 5 years of a misplaced pinky finger on a cello bow. Sin effects our spiritual formation and shapes the kind of Christians we will be.

The goal of Christian practice, then, is to stubbornly place our bodies, like a pinky finger, in the right position. Just like kneeling can lead me to pray, we can position ourselves appropriately for the practice of chastity. I look forward to our dialogue with Lauren Winner at this intriguing catalyst conference. Hope you will not miss the opportunity to participate.

the church and sex

as christians we should care about chastity and purity, ‘cause god does. too often, however, we merely pay it lip service. caring about it means addressing it and dealing with the tough issues, not just giving the all-too-cliché advice of “just say no.”

one of my favorite movies is mean girls. in it, there's a part where the p.e. teacher (coach carr) is addressing a group of teenage girls. he's giving his "sex-ed" talk and he says, "don't have sex because you will get pregnant and die! don't have sex in the missionary position, don't have sex standing up, just don't do it! ok, promise? ok, now everybody take some rubbers." i hate to say it, but i feel like the church does the same thing (except the part about rubbers). we are told about all the bad effects of sex but we miss the part about a god in heaven who loves us no matter what we do. we also fail to remind people of the true purpose of sex, in that it was never intended outside marriage.

we all too often hear that our "true love" is waiting for us somewhere. true love is great and all, but it doesn't always come when you're 22 and just finished with college. young adults (or any christians for that matter) shouldn't learn to hold out for some guy or girl that they haven't met or may never meet. they need to be told to do it for god.

i'm not just suggesting that the church should take a different angle on sex; we need a different mind-set altogether. lauren winner suggests this when she says, "if we fear our bodies because they are undisciplined and contingent, messy and willful, we then get especially freaked out about sex, which is one of the places where our bodies are most willful and messiest. when the body becomes something to escape from, the sexual body becomes something to vilify." sex isn't a bad thing. it's not something we should be ashamed to talk or think about. it's in our human nature to need and want this intimacy. we need to learn to discuss this and care for it in a healthy manner. god gave us sex for a reason; it's our job to learn these reasons and teach them to others, no matter how uncomfortable.

real sex, by lauren winner, addresses sex in an honest, intelligent, sincere manner. i'm very thankful that she wrote this book in such a practical and relevant voice. i would recommend it to anyone who is the least bit interested in learning more about the true purpose of sex.

Chastity: Improving the Practice

The one thing I most like about Lauren Winner’s book is the realization that we are fallen creatures. Often we, church types, assume purity is something we begin with and need to protect--something we can loose or we can save. Isn’t that the presupposition of those purity rings single Christians wear? (I’m not knocking the rings; I support my three single siblings who wear them. Like my wedding ring, it is a sign and reminder to be godly with our sexuality.) Winner, however, starts with our imperfectness. Chastity is something Christians learn. It is a spiritual disciple, “something you practice.” It is a spiritual action.

Let me use my life as an example. I am a 31 year old college minister. I married 9 years ago. So, I’ve practiced the disciple of sexual purity both as a single guy in abstinence and as a married guy in fidelity. I’ve done well, but I wouldn’t call my journey with chastity blemish free. I didn’t have sex before I married, but I don’t think I was a very good virgin. In my mind, being a virgin was drawing the “No Sex!!!” line in the sand. But I didn’t really get that it was a spiritual discipline. I wasn’t doing chastity as a spiritual practice. I simply viewed premarital sex as an avoidable evil.

I started college with the heartbreaking end to what had been a meaningful high school relationship. I choose to date casually my freshman year, you know with no real commitment. So, I dated several different girls. Many weekend relationships were physical in nature. I probably kissed twenty girls that year, but I kept the “no sex” rule.

My shallow relationships that year taught me to be physically free with my body, as long as I wasn’t having sex. Winner says the opposite, what you do does matter. We are trained by our actions. Casual making out instead of casual sex wasn’t real purity. It wasn’t intercourse, but it wasn’t well practiced chastity in a Christian sense. Chastity values intimacy, honors relationships, and practices appropriateness. Chastity teaches us how to behave appropriately in relationship. It’s about being rightly related to others more than drawing the individualistic “No Sex” line in the sand.

I think that chastity is really more a practice than a state of being. None of us simply start pure. Even virgins are fallen creatures and sinners. Some have fantasized, used dating for selfish reasons, or masturbated. Others have corrupted their own understanding of sex as something evil, like theft or murder. Non-virgins are maybe more aware of their failings. But we’re not all hopeless. It’s like rock climbing. No one knows how to make a climbing knot or use a wedge the first time out, but these are thing we can learn. In the same way we need to learn to pray, fast, study our bible, or rock climb, we should learn purity. The Spirit can teach us appropriateness in our relationships and how to be rightly related to our dating partners and spouses, and rightly related to those who aren’t.